Why Canada is Better

To many Americans, war is the best thing ever. It's CNN filming explosions, leading to the story where a soldier's sacrifice teaches a nation about courage, starring Bruce Willis. In fact, war brings out more emotions than the Super Bowl and AIDS combined. With a good enough war, executives could put somebody in an Uncle Sam outfit singing the National Anthem to kick off the NAACP Image Awards, and there would not be a dry eye in the house.

hat said, the U.S. is 3-2-1 since its inception (not including the Civil War, which would have added a win and a loss to the record). Note that I am generously not including the current Iraq war in those statistics. Because, really, who knows how that one is gonna turn out? Meanwhile, Canada is 5-0-1 during the same period, including a 1-0 record against the Americans (1812). Moreover, while the Americans were deciding what color panties would look best on J. Edgar Hoover, the Canadians were ass-deep in the two world wars from the very beginning, completing every lousy job the Allies could throw at them.

Perhaps more to the point, many Americans, their chief executive included, probably couldn't pick out Canada on a map. If we Americans tried to invade Canada, we would end up mobilizing to Minnesota or somewhere and declaring victory after bombing the hell out of the Mall of America. Which reminds me—Canucks torched the White House once when we were passing through D.C

This is going to hurt for you to hear, but American beer is a laughingstock. I’m not trying to be a snob here, but even if I lost my sense of taste in some sort of firecracker incident, I still wouldn’t touch the questionable slop that passes for beer south of the border. There’s an old joke all Canadians are taught at a young age: How is sex in a canoe like American beer? They’re both fucking close to water.


I can say is that many Americans don’t wish to be identified as such. While traveling throughout Europe, I encountered literally dozens of people with Canadian flags sewn onto their backpacks. As it turned out, just about all of them were Americans posing as Canadians. This is apparently a very common tactic of American travelers. Why are young Americans ashamed to be recognized as such? You’d never see Canadian travelers sewing the stars and stripes onto their belongings, after all.


In case my arguments are insufficient, there is actually a scientific, internationally-acknowledged way to tell which country is better.


Tell me which country has been ranked highest 10 times. In case history’s not important to you either, check out the most recent Index. Canada ranked 4th, while the U.S. finished a dismal 12th, behind nations like Japan and France. That’s right. A bunch of midget, panty-obsessed salaryman drones and a nation of wine-sipping collaborators enjoy a higher standard of life than you.

Canadians live in a climate that makes them impervious to pain, Canadians are better educated, and their donuts and beer are clearly superior. And I haven’t even touched on Canada’s low crime rates, relaxed drug laws, or universal health care (without supersize military funding of course).

And finally, it's Sega Dreamcast's twelve American birthday. I was excited at the time to own one to play Soul Calibur (10/10).